Agent "The Dud" Vinod

::Warning - Contains spoilers::

The entire family was in town, and Agent Vinod seemed to be the only option available (we had already watched Kahaani, and somehow we decided to skip Paan Singh Tomar. Bad decision, dammit!)

I must admit we went to the movie with very low expectations. Agent Vinod surpassed all of them in the worst way possible.

The story starts with Vinod in a prison from where he makes his daring escape, James Bond style. Imagine this - he is fleeing terrorists blazing their guns from all sides, in the middle of the desert, when suddenly he notices a gunny bag wriggling around. He cuts it open, and lo and behold! Just like a fairy tale, out pops a maiden, sexy dress and all, makeup intact, and whatnot. Score one for heights of improbability!

This is what BORING looks like.

Quite some bullshittery later we reach the main plot which revolves around the number 242. Many crime overlords are using this number in their secret conversations, and the task obviously falls to Agent Vinod to check the whole damn thing out. Vinod goes to one country after another in pursuit of the truth, gets caught by the bad guys a zillion times like the perfect nincompoop he is, and escapes an equal number of times like the James Bond he is.

Kareena Kapoor somehow enters the whole shebang as a certain Dr. Irum Bilal, actually a good guy but masquerading as a bad guy. Agent Vinod tags her along for the adventure, GOD knows why. He could simply have left her behind to live her life in peace, hell, she isn't even a goddamn agent, she's a doctor, and she even tells him all she wants is a clinic and some patients. Unfortunately, the director had other plans for her.

Yet another thing that hits you is the way Agent Vinod lets the masterminds go scot-free. He has no compulsions killing scores of nameless goondas who are the extras, but where it really matters, the big guys, he lets go. In the first scene he lets the Pakistani police officer go; the same thing happens with Prem Chopra, though the Colonel finishes the job for him; and then when the main baddie, the Colonel, is helpless before him, he just... lets him go! Of course, this comes back and bites him in the ass, since the Colonel promptly repays him for this act of kindness a few scenes later by shooting Kareena Kapoor. Even that scene is handled like shit -

Vinod: Hello Irum, is everything okay?
Irum: Hii Vinod, wassup, no ya, that bastard shot me! Two times in the liver! I am not gonna make it!
<dies>

Sriram Raghavan ji, what were you thinking?!

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (Movie)

What a movie! One of the finest espionage thrillers I have seen in a long time.

The story starts with Mr. Smiley (Gary Oldman), a retired intelligence officer being assigned to find a mole in the British Intelligence Agency, a mole who is right at the top of the ladder, supplying information under the table to the Soviets. The movie features a perfect cast - apart from my personal dislike of the actor Ciaran Hinds, that is. I just don't like that guy, somehow!


There are no car chasing scenes in the movie, guns blazing, or any other James Bond-esque shenanigans. The story brings a simple point home - you don't really need all those theatrics to have a nail biting thriller on your hands. Yes, that means Gary Oldman doesn't pout his lips either. Take the hint, Daniel Craig. You might get nominated for an Oscar too, if you stopped that awful pout.

This is one sepia-tinted thriller that is a must watch.

The Famous Five turn 70

Five on Finniston Farm

 The much loved Famous Five series turned 70 recently. And to think, if they were real people, those five kids we loved to read about would now be grandparents!

When I first read the news on The Guardian I was taken by surprise - somehow, every time I read these books I like to think those adventures are happening right now, in the present. To think that Enid Blyton dreamed and penned those books more than seven decades ago can only make us envious of her imagination.

Would you like to relive those books? If not in entirety, here is a short paragraph about each book's story. A review, if you will. "Five on Finniston Farm" is one of my favorites. Yours?

Comics and kids

I started reading books when I was about eight to ten years old. My earliest memories of reading books include my Dad - he would buy stacks of Chacha Choudharys, Champaks, and Tinkles and hide them somewhere at home. Every time me or my brother did something constructive (could be as simple as walking on my Dad's back for five minutes) he would produce a book with a flourish, make us yell and scream for it a bit and then leave us in peace to read.

When I look back and think about my childhood, I am sure it wouldn't have been the same if all those books weren't in my life. I cannot imagine a world where I didn't know Chacha Choudhary and Sabu, or Billoo and his famous hair which always hid his eyes. I cannot imagine how it would have been if I didn't know who the Famous Five were, or how the Secret Seven won their battles. Half my childhood was spent in that world, a world where anything could happen - it was my world. Thus said, I want to stress that this habit of mine never adversely affected my studies. If and when my grades suffered they did because of various other reasons ;-)

I know several people who won't let their child read any book apart from what is in their academic syllabus. Maybe it is because they feel their children might score better if they spent the same time doing some math sums. I want to say to you, don't rob your children out of the incredible joy of reading. While they might enjoy watching the occasional Tom and Jerry on television, the happiness a kid gets when he reads a Tinkle, or a Calvin, is unparalleled.

For all you parents who might not be able to afford the costs of buying storybooks, that is what second hand bookstalls are for. You can easily get Tinkles, Amar Chitra Kathas, Chandamamas, etc. for as low as 10 rupees per book.


Perhaps this activity can be on your To-Do list for this weekend.

The snacks shop episode

The building where I work sports a small snacks shop on the fourth floor. They stock all kinds of unhealthy, and therefore highly mouth-watering snacks - oily corn samosas (my favorite), warm brownies, pastries, chips, biscuits, sandwiches, cookies - you get the general idea. The shop is managed by a lanky young man in his twenties.

The first time I ordered samosas he banged them on the counter on a paper plate.

"Excuse me, I'm going to take this to my office, could you pack them for me, please?"

The next moment a paper bag was slammed on the counter with a hostile stare that said, "Dus rupaiye ke samose le rahi hai aur packing bhi chahiye. Khud pack kar lena." I thought myself lucky he even gave me a bag at all.

The next time I was on my guard, and even ready for a scathing retort if need be. I was therefore surprised when he greeted me with a smile.

"Um, hi. Teen samose deejiye please."

"Madam aap yahan khayenge ya pack kar doon?"

What the hell! Where the heck did this change come from?! I smiled sweetly, took the packet and left.

This kind of thing went on for a few days - he'd have a pleasant smile one day, and scowl like The Dark Lord the next. Of course, I thought, it might just be his mood swings - we're all entitled to them - but he seemed to be veering in the extreme.

The mystery was cleared when one day I went there to order a birthday cake for my colleague. I chose the flavor and asked him by what time I could expect the cake.

"The delivery will be here by 3-4PM."

"Oh, that's okay, I want it by 4, so the time is fine."

The scowl was back.

"Look lady, I cannot guarantee the time, okay? It might be 6PM when the cake gets here."

"But you just said the delivery gets here by 4PM everyday..."

"So what? The delivery guy might be delayed, there might be a traffic jam, kuch bhi ho sakta hai. How on earth would I know when the delivery is going to get here?"

"Erm... okay..."

I called the shop at 4:30PM and was told the cake had duly arrived. I went there to pick it up. He stared at me vacantly.

"Well, where is it?"

He smiled pleasantly. "Where is what?"

It was getting too much for me to handle. I was irate, and reached the end of my patience.

"What the heck, I spoke to you at length today morning, ordered the cake, called you just now, you asked me to pick it up, and now you don't know why I'm here?"

"Oh, so you ordered the cake today morning."

"Yes, and you took the order."

"No, I didn't."

Turns out it was his twin brother. But of course.

It was one of those times when using Homer Simpson's famous phrase was fully justified.

Blame it on the weather

Summer - Such a warm and drowsy afternoon, the weather's making me really sleepy.
Monsoon - It's so cloudy and wet and gloomy, I feel like sleeping for a while just to get rid of the dullness that's enveloping me.
Winter - God, it's so cold and cozy, I just wish I could curl up in a nice blanket and go to sleep!

I realized a bit late that seasons change, but for me, sleep is constant.

The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

I have never read science fiction before; I'm not familiar with the genre except for the odd super-hero movie now and then.

List of characters -

Arthur Dent. The unwitting earthman saved by Ford Prefect when Planet Earth is destroyed to make way for a new hyperspace bypass expressway.

Ford Prefect. One of Arthur's closest friends. He is a researcher from a faraway planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, and he is aware of the impending disaster to planet Earth. He was commissioned to Planet Earth to research material for the book, The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy.

Marvin, the paranoid android. An uncontrollably depressed robot, he can make ferocious machines commit suicide simply by making them listen to his woes.

Zaphod Beeblebrox. The two-headed President of the Galaxy, inventor of the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster (a drink), thief of the spaceship Heart of Gold, only known survivor of the Total Perspective Vortex, and what else... yes, seven time winner of "Worst Dressed Sentient Being in the Known Universe". Try beating that.

Trillian. Ex-Earthling. Arthur tried picking her up at a party once, but lost her to a cool dude. He is later revealed to be Zaphod Beeblebrox, and that Trillian had decided to pack stuff and go away with him because she found Earth really boring.

Slartibartfast. An architect on the planet Magrathea who designs planets for rich space-people. Kind of like a landscape artist, you might say. Oh, and he designed the Earth. Even received an award for the stunning coastline of Norway. Yes, the Earth was tailored to suit certain requirements.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy. A fictional electronic book that features prominently in the actual novel of the same name. Provides quirky insights into various situations. For example, when Arthur and Ford hitch a ride in the Vogon ship, the entry on Vogons reads, "Here's what to do if you want to get a lift from a Vogon: forget it."

The Story

The story is pretty much simple and straightforward. Earth has just been demolished into nothingness and Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect are forced to hike a ride with the Vogon airship that was the cause of said destruction. People whose only job in life is blowing up planets cannot be sweetness and light; our hitchhikers are unceremoniously thrown into space by the Vogon captain, but not before giving them a dose of Vogon poetry (considered the third worst in the world; people have died just listening to it.)

I cannot resist sharing Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz's heart wrenching poem with y'all - read, and weep/laugh/pull hair.

"Oh freddled gruntbuggly/thy micturations are to me/As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.

Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes. And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,

Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!"

Ford and Arthur are tied and made to listen to this goose-bump inducing verse; while Ford writhes in agony, Arthur is sufficiently in charge of his senses to praise Jeltz once he is done in the bleak hope that they might be spared. No such luck.

Elsewhere in the Galaxy, the two-headed President Zaphod is on his way to a spaceship unveiling. Right there, on the spot, he decides to steal it. The ship is the Heart of Gold, and due to its improbability drive lands at the exact spot where Arthur and Ford are stranded, thus saving their lives. This is where we're introduced to Marvin - the chronically depressed robot.

All of them then continue their journey through space, and finally land on a desolate planet, Magrathea. The people of Magrathea once upon a time (millions of years ago) were engaged in designing customized planets for the rich uns of the galaxy; then the recession came, and they just decided to sleep through it. Here we learn quite a handful from their architect Slartibartfast about what the Earth actually was, why two tiny rats want Arthur's brain, and yes, why exactly the Earth was destroyed.

Amidst all the hullabaloo the four of them - Arthur, Ford, Zaphod, and Trillian manage to make it back to the ship after being unwittingly saved by Marvin's depression (the battleship committed suicide after listening to Marvin's woes).

They then decide to go somewhere for lunch. The Restaurant at The End of The Universe.

My Take

You often come across books that drag for the first 50-odd pages - make you so sleepy you want to fling them against the wall, and just when you're about to give up, suddenly pick up pace. We have an exception of sorts here. The Hitchhiker's Guide is a feisty little bonanza that hooks you from the foreword itself. The book is wittiness at its best. Not the snicker-once-and-you're-done sorts, this is the ROFL kind of humor, the one that makes your tummy ache.

I used to read this in the local train, and I admit I got a lot of disconcerted stares - people probably thought I was loony or something, the way I snorted so many times. And get this - Douglas Adams wrote this book in his twenties! Makes the rest of us twenty-somethings go green, doesn't it!

Absolute must-read.

Animal Farm

In his essay Why I Write, George Orwell speaks about his love for writing -

"I wanted to write enormous naturalistic novels with unhappy endings...."

Animal Farm might not be enormous, but it is definitely unhappy. When I first heard of it and decided to read it, all I knew about it was that it was a book about animals on a farm who could talk like people.

List of characters worth a mention -

Major, an elderly pig. He inspires the rebellion and sets down rules for harmonious living. However, he dies of old age soon after the rebellion.

Snowball the pig. He is one of the leaders after the Major dies, but is driven out of the farm by Napoleon's dogs.

Napoleon the pig. Uncontested leader after Major and Snowball. Responsible for the downfall of the farm. I hate this pig more than I ever hated any other pig.

Squealer the pig. Majorly responsible for spreading good words about Napoleon and suppressing feelings of dissent among the animals. I hate him more than Napoleon.

Boxer the horse. Accepts everything without question and works like a dog, only to be sent to the slaughterhouse when he's old.

Then there are the dogs who are feared by everyone and act as Napoleon's guards. The hens, who rebel briefly against Napoleon and are squashed. The cows, meek and defenseless; the pigeons, who act as messengers and try to get animals from other farms to rebel as well.

The story in a nutshell - It all starts with rebellion and the ousting of Mr. Jones and his wife, the owners of Manor Farm (renamed Animal Farm). The animals assume control of the farm under the leadership of the boar, Major. He lays a few ground rules for a peaceful existence that the animals refer to as the Seven Commandments.

Things work out great for the animals initially; ecstatic that they're not working for humans anymore, they work harder than ever and produce harvests the farm's never seen before. Slowly, it is noticed that the pigs rarely work but are almost always supervising or ordering the other animals about. This is put down to their superior intelligence and the animals accept the turn of events without complaint.

With the old boar Major now dead, the leadership falls into the hands of two pigs, Napoleon and Snowball. Snowball is always full of intellectual ideas for the farm and how it could be bettered; Napoleon's only job is to undermine Snowball's ideas. One fine day Snowball is chased away by Napoleon's ferocious dogs and never seen again.

As the years fly by, Napoleon becomes supreme leader and dictator and the Seven Commandments initially written by Major are now altered to suit the pigs. Napoleon's descendants are now the rulers, not allowed to mingle with the other animals, the lower classes. The pigs' supremacy is now absolute, and they even start walking on their hind legs, just like humans.

My take on Animal Farm - The book is a political allegory on the then situation in the Soviet Union; and I felt George Orwell was able to put forth the details of Stalin's rule beautifully. Accepted, the novel is depressing; but then so was Stalin's government.

The only thing that disappointed me was the manner the novel ended. I expected the animals to fight against the injustice that was meted out to them; however, they mutely accept their fate, their memories of good old days dimming day by day; they just have no idea that if they wished, their lives could be better. Maybe in some distant future Napoleon might have faced rebellion, but Orwell ended the novel before it could.

Nevertheless, the book is a must-read and a must-have in any library.

PS: You can also read George Orwell's essay, Why I Write. I loved it.