Pig hooey!

Is George Orwell's Animal Farm coming true or what!

Pigs are apparently causing havoc in a Chennai neighborhood - they've chosen a cozy vacant lot that belongs to the government (ha!) and started breeding like rabbits. Right now their number is about 50-odd, and they come out in a herd during the evenings and terrorize the residents. 50 pigs running around in the street, oinking all over the place... yes, reason enough to run for cover.

The town I grew up in boasted of many stray pigs strolling around like they owned the place, but never has anyone been afraid of them! These mutant monster pigs have reached a point where they're attacking stray dogs (!) and biting golfers, and the question we need to ask ourselves is, what next? Chickens flying around pooping on our heads?! :-|

What the hell is happening?!

I suddenly realized...

that Gimli the dwarf from the Lord of The Rings saga was once Sallah, Indiana Jones's friend!

Agent "The Dud" Vinod

::Warning - Contains spoilers::

The entire family was in town, and Agent Vinod seemed to be the only option available (we had already watched Kahaani, and somehow we decided to skip Paan Singh Tomar. Bad decision, dammit!)

I must admit we went to the movie with very low expectations. Agent Vinod surpassed all of them in the worst way possible.

The story starts with Vinod in a prison from where he makes his daring escape, James Bond style. Imagine this - he is fleeing terrorists blazing their guns from all sides, in the middle of the desert, when suddenly he notices a gunny bag wriggling around. He cuts it open, and lo and behold! Just like a fairy tale, out pops a maiden, sexy dress and all, makeup intact, and whatnot. Score one for heights of improbability!

This is what BORING looks like.

Quite some bullshittery later we reach the main plot which revolves around the number 242. Many crime overlords are using this number in their secret conversations, and the task obviously falls to Agent Vinod to check the whole damn thing out. Vinod goes to one country after another in pursuit of the truth, gets caught by the bad guys a zillion times like the perfect nincompoop he is, and escapes an equal number of times like the James Bond he is.

Kareena Kapoor somehow enters the whole shebang as a certain Dr. Irum Bilal, actually a good guy but masquerading as a bad guy. Agent Vinod tags her along for the adventure, GOD knows why. He could simply have left her behind to live her life in peace, hell, she isn't even a goddamn agent, she's a doctor, and she even tells him all she wants is a clinic and some patients. Unfortunately, the director had other plans for her.

Yet another thing that hits you is the way Agent Vinod lets the masterminds go scot-free. He has no compulsions killing scores of nameless goondas who are the extras, but where it really matters, the big guys, he lets go. In the first scene he lets the Pakistani police officer go; the same thing happens with Prem Chopra, though the Colonel finishes the job for him; and then when the main baddie, the Colonel, is helpless before him, he just... lets him go! Of course, this comes back and bites him in the ass, since the Colonel promptly repays him for this act of kindness a few scenes later by shooting Kareena Kapoor. Even that scene is handled like shit -

Vinod: Hello Irum, is everything okay?
Irum: Hii Vinod, wassup, no ya, that bastard shot me! Two times in the liver! I am not gonna make it!
<dies>

Sriram Raghavan ji, what were you thinking?!

No Man's Land

Even terrorist attacks do not have this kind of magnitude. A magnitude that is baffling, to say the least.

1993 Mumbai attacks - 257 killed
2006 Mumbai train attacks - 209 killed
2008 Taj attacks - 173 killed
Number of people killed due to the Ayodhya land dispute - a whopping 2000.

History tells us Babri Masjid was built in Ayodhya after Babar defeated the Hindu king and took over his kingdom, and Hindu groups claim there used to be a Ram temple at the same spot. People, we were not even a speck of dust when all of this happened! I understand Ayodhya is a holy place for Hindus, but let us face it, the Mughal kings destroyed lots of temples. It wouldn't be feasible for us to cry foul now, would it?

Back in 1885 when a certain Mahant Raghubar Ram moved the court to build a temple at the site, Judge Col. F.E.A. Chamier ruled as follows,

"....It is most unfortunate that a Masjid should have been built on land specially held sacred by the Hindus, but as that event occurred 356 years ago, it is too late now to agree with the grievances. ..." (Source - WIKI)

So why hurt the sentiments of a group which had nothing to do with the original sin? I really do not understand the fanaticism behind a piece of land. Will a God come down and heap praises on you if you kill fellow men in His name? No, you just go to jail, you morons! I might be treading on blasphemous waters here, there might have been a temple, a mosque, but hey - in the end it is a piece of land. Of course, I will not deny that there is a teeny tiny part of my Hindu upbringing that is curious about the outcome, but it is not earth shattering. If anything I am worried about how the verdict is going to affect everyday life; it is just noon in the office and we are shutting down shop already, precautionary measures in place.

Where there is something to gain, our politicians are not far behind. BJP and VHP took advantage of the sensitive site and demolished the mosque in 1992, thus winning the elections. Today on the 30th of September, 2010, the verdict on who the land belongs to is finally going to be out - and I am strongly for the court declaring the Babri Masjid site to be "No Man's Land". Like a colleague suggested, perhaps it could be converted into a tourist spot. "People, so this is that piece of land due to which 2000 people are dead."

And no, they can never come back.

We are a secular country; two of my closest friends are Muslim and Christian, and never ever, ever, has religion come between us. It is unthinkable. Folks, I really hope you do not lose your cool and lose friends for the sake of land that you might never even see in your lifetime. A piece of land that couldn't care less about who was standing on it. And if today Lord Ram and Prophet Mohammed were alive, I am sure they would've said the same thing.

Like Bill Maher said -

"We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justifies crazies."

A Quaking Story

Date: December 26, 2004. Time: Crack of Dawn. Place: Ancient city of Cuttack.

"Stop shaking the bed! Stop it!"

"Me shaking the bed? What the heck is wrong with you, you stop shaking it first!"

Both of us were wide awake in an instant - me staring at the ceiling in awe expecting it to crash at any moment, and my Mom yelling for my Dad. He had returned from an early morning walk and fallen asleep in the hallway again.

"Daaaa-dddd-iieee! There's an earthquake happening!"

He opened his eyes briefly, mumbled, "Eh?" and started snoring.

A piercing scream from the guest room - my aunt was huddled up on the bed in a fetal position, mumbling about her dead mother-in-law.

"Maa-ji, mujhe akele chod di jiye, please! Bed ko aise mat hilaaiye! Aiiieeeee, bachaaao!" The bed was trembling as if it's life depended on it.

"Idiot, it's not a ghost, it's a quake. Get the hell out of the house!"

We ran out, hearts thudding.

Scene inside the house on the other side of the street -

Manisha Manjari AKA Mamuni, our pretty neighbor was asleep with a smile on her face, dreaming about her upcoming wedding. She was alone in the house with her mother - her Dad and brother were in different cities at the time.

It was pitch dark; they slept with every light off, and had no idea what time of the night it was. Mamuni sat up with a start. The bed was shaking violently, carrying promises of a vicious fiend underneath. Mamuni had an active imagination and imagined the worst. One leg on the bed, and another on the wall, she managed a sprint that only Olympic standard athletes could have managed.

Out in the hall in two beats, she had just begun to wring her hands to cry when she stopped, shell-shocked. A figure was propped up against the door, a frightening silhouette, half hidden behind the wall. She let out a wailing shriek that woke half the city up. The figure moved forward slowly, hands dangling by the sides. Mamuni was by now crying in earnest - the hand-wringing was on in full swing. The figure revealed itself as her mother, who had woken up for a drink and dozed off against the wall.

By this time the news trickled in that there had been a massive quake, affecting the entire coastal belt. It was only later in the day that the news of the tsunami reached us, leaving us awe-struck and counting our lucky stars.

Though at that time the events of the day seemed fearsome, as years passed they became a favorite topic of conversation, always starting with, "Remember the day when......", and ending with, "Yeah, I was so silly LOLOL..... I was absolutely fearless and.... Yeah, so was I.... Yeah RIGHT....!"

Raw Onion

[caption id="attachment_350" align="alignright" width="126" caption="What could beat a raw onion?!"]
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There are so many facets to the Onion.

It stinks. But people love it. It has so many layers, and it is, therefore, multi-dimensional. Just a bite of it brings an entirely new flavor to whatever you're eating. AND, it's after-taste lingers on, overpowering everything else, including everyone's senses in the room.

Onions make us cry. Those tears are not shed in vain - we can always come out of the kitchen and give our spouses a scare by not revealing the reason for our tear-stained face. If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, an onion a day keeps everyone away (Source: No idea who said it, but I know WHY they did ;-)).

So, erm, after a lot of consideration, I hit upon this name for my blog. Well, I didn't exactly hit upon it myself, my friends Hrish and Andy contributed. Andy, by the way, is responsible for the excellent tagline.

Bring the feedback onnnn!

OMG, Britisher enters Jagannath Temple!

So what?!

This Times of India article really made me go WTF. Not only was there a hue and cry about him entering the temple, but he was also handed over to police who let him go after "thorough verification and scrutiny". If only such thorough verification and scrutiny were reserved for more important things, maybe India would be a much better place.

There are scores of so-called holy men who wait outside the Jagannath Temple with brooms in their hands; if you look even the least bit gullible, they swing that broom on your head hitting you with it, and then demand money from you. Their reasoning - they warded off your "Shani" by that gesture, so if you didn't give them a hundred bucks rightaway, dude, you are so screwed by Shani Bhagwan. Even the main pujari is unscrupulous.

It is these people we need to be aware of, and maintain a distance from; not unwitting citizens who have done nothing wrong. Isn't it time for us to let go of petty beliefs and embrace people for what they are?

The Red Corridor

Scenario 01: Two friends, barely out of graduation, get selected for a postmaster's job. They break for lunch, and decide to have a simple meal at the tiny dhaba across the road. No sooner than they leave the post-office that bullets start flying around them, and a fierce gun battle starts between insurgents and the CRPF. They duck their heads and run for cover.

Scenario 02: A bank manager drives to work, looking furtively around him for attackers. He goes to the bank, locks up all the doors from inside. For any customer to enter, they have to identify themselves before the locks can be opened. He tries to make the 50 km journey back home before dark - it would be too dangerous otherwise.

These are not scenes copied from Sholay, and the setting is not militant-infested Kashmir. The two kids are my brother's friends, and the banker is my father. For them, this is just any other day in a tiny village of  interior Orissa. Bridges getting blown off, railway tracks torn off are all absorbed with just a nod of the head. Commonplace.

Sounds incredulous, isn't it?

We are talking about the home-bred, in-house gang of terrorists, AKA Maoists. The Maoist Movement which began as a simple fight for tribal justice has taken on alarming proportions. No longer can they be ignored as innocent tribals fighting for their rights, for food, for education. No longer can they classify themselves as Naxalites, guerrillas, or by any other damn name. They are terrorists, pure and simple.

The Maoist Empire is a staggering 1500 crore rupee corporation; their terror spans several states, most severely hit being Chattisgarh, Jharkhand, Orissa, West Bengal, and Bihar. No, they don't spend a penny to help their fellow men; on the contrary, they extort money from almost everyone, including school teachers. They kill at will, most often than not tagging their victims as police informers. You can get more information on the Maoist modus operandi here.

Bridges, schools, railway tracks, telephone towers, buildings, nothing can escape their wrath. Their latest attack, blowing up a bus with a landmine and killing over 40 people left me open mouthed. Chidambaram says they get their weapons from across the border, maybe from China, and Bangladesh. Ah, what sweet neighbors we have! Pakistan, China, Bangladesh - kudos to you people! It wasn't enough that you took parts of our country with you, you had to continue poking at what's left.

If all of this terror and violence is one side of the story, the other, more important one is how little we have done to combat it. They keep gunning our security personnel down like insects, they kill civilians, they smuggle heavy artillery from across the border right from under our nostrils, and all we do is fart out a "strong statement" saying we will not take it lightly. Manmohan Singh declared them as the most serious internal threat to India's national security (Source: WIKI). Yeah, that should have them quivering and running for cover, right?

We have so many causes that get their quota of attention - Saving tigers, yes, they're important. Treating animals ethically, well, they deserve it. Going green, good for the environment. Do it. But hey, can someone focus on this cause, too? Maybe get to move the government to take stricter measures. At the very least, no more killings. Pull some security personnel from the thousands allocated to all those fatso politicians and place them somewhere where they can feel a sense of pride that they're involved in what they originally signed up for.

No more bloodshed, no more red. Let's say goodbye to the red corridor. I, for one, hate it.

The Strange Case of Krystian Bala

Came across a most astonishing piece of news on the internet today; you might think you've seen it all, but I guess this man sets a new precedent. I've heard of many strange cases, but Krystian Bala must surely take away the prize for the most WTF crime ever committed.

A Polish author, Krystian Bala published his first novel Amok in the year 2003; some time later, police found an eerie similarity between a murder committed in the book, to an unsolved murder that took place in Poland in the year 2000. Getting suspicious, police began to track the murder again, matching it with the clues and events written in the novel.

In what might very well be a WTF moment, the author turned out to be the murderer, later drawing on his own experience to draft his masterpiece of a novel. Whoa, hold on - no, this genius didn't stop at that; he was at the time working on his second novel, and was also planning another murder at the same time. Guess this guy gives "writing from his experience" an entirely new meaning.

You can read the full stories here and here.

KitKats and Orang-utans

Incredulous though it may seem, your eating Kitkats might ultimately lead to the extinction of one of nature's most loved primates - The Orang-utan. How?

Looks like Nestlé's palm oil providers destroy precious Indonesian rainforests to get those chocolates made. Not only will this lead to serious climate change, it's also going to result in the orang-utans getting wiped out from the face of the earth.

Going by the statement issued by the company, Nestlé has announced very graciously that they're going to keep using these killer methods till the year 2015, at the very least. After which they have a committment to start using "Certified Sustainable Palm Oil" once they're done with 5 more years of burning up the planet. You can read their complete statement here.

What with all the Global Warming and Climate Summits going on in full swing, it's time someone took note of this. And Greenpeace did.

Join Greenpeace in their campaign - "Nestlé Killer - Ask Nestlé to give rainforests a break!" The next time you feel like a break, maybe you might want to re-consider your options. I know I will.

Karthik Calling Karthik

Will you hang up that phone already?!

This is one movie which tested my patience beyond recognition, making me feel like screaming. I always thought Farhan Akhtar was into offbeat, and fresh themes; what made him choose this one, I'll never know. Tried and tested and failed at least half a dozen times, the plot is so glaringly obvious that about 15 minutes into the movie we predicted how the plot would turn out to be, and also how the climax would unfold. Bingo! No surprises there!

Karthik is a mouse and a doormat who gets trampled on by everyone, and is literally invisible. One day it crosses the line, with him getting fired and everything, and he loses it completely. Lo and behold, he starts getting calls everyday at 5AM on the dot, from - no surprises here, either - Karthik  himself! Soon, his life starts taking an upward turn, he gets the girl of his dreams, blah blah. Sooner said than done, trouble starts brewing when Karthik and Karthik have  a brief altercation and life turns upside down for the real Karthik.

Lots of potholes in the movie, Deepika Padukone looks and acts like an amateur. Even the way she smokes a cigarette is so very put-on! Ugh! And Farhan, what the heck happened dude?! Why?! This is the one question I've been asking myself ever since. Apart from a couple of scenes that interested us, not a single frame could grab our attention. The songs are okay, hummable for a few days but nothing noteworthy.

Suffice to say that you can give this one a miss. Go watch some other movie. Or better still, stay at home and rent some classic from your nearby DVD store.

At the very least, you'll save yourself a headache from going out in the sun.

Breast Cancer Awareness - By revealing bra color?!

Yes folks, you can increase awareness about breast cancer - by revealing the color of your bra on your Facebook status :-|

God knows how this fad came into being, but I personally feel this is insulting to people - in the sense that people are updating their status message to titillate, rather than for any other reason. Some examples I found in my own Facebook page - black and grey zebra stripes, bright red, magenta, and this one from a humor-loving soul - commando! Believe me, for families with breast cancer victims, this is simply not funny.  And how exactly is this helping, anyway? Apart from garnering a few "XYZ and 10 other people like this!"s, some rather questionable comments, ooohs, LOLs, and other irritating compliments, this trend does nothing.

Please, gurls - Trends are good, being "in" is good, but hey, do not follow every Tom, Dick, and Harry trend that comes your way! Have fun - I am a firm believer of having fun anytime, anywhere - but no, not like this. If people are so very keen on helping, then do something worthwhile.

And no, that doesn't include letting the world know the color of your undies, thank you very much.

Telangana and Me

Politics is not a topic that interests me; I guess this is the very first post in my blog concerning politics of any sort. But then, this is the very first time politics have affected me so personally.

What's in a name? Lots!

What the hell is in a name, Shakespeare might have said.

I disagree, having spent more than three hours searching a name for my new blog. It was like my blog was jinxed; every single darn name I tried was already taken. In my desperation I started trying out song names - no luck. Even www.noname.blogspot.com was taken, for Chrissakes! Cmon! And even more exasperating was the fact that many of these blogs seemed to have been started on a spurt of creativity, and then pushed back into the recesses of the blogger's minds. Lot many had just a single post on em, dating back to as far as 2001. In blogging terms, they might as well have been created during the B.C. period!

I had planned on starting a blog about interesting things happening in the digital world - could be anything, ranging from appealing, out-of-the-box websites, to start-ups, to any interesting news, whatever. I most especially did not want my name in the URL. Finally, after a lot of head banging, cursing, contemplative minutes later I hit on this - kreativeblitzkrieg.

Yeah, I know, it cant get worse than this one. So please, guys, if you've got any suggestions, do let me know. Mucho appreciated.

Smokey Smokersons

No, this is not some new hookah or cigar joint. Am talking about the dreaded smoke emitting, fume spitting, soot enveloped vehicles rampant on the streets of Hyderabad. God forbid that you get stuck behind one such monster during rush hour; you might end up choking, suffocating, and cursing your bike, due to which you are being made to endure such torture. It's a damn wonder why no action is ever, ever taken against these poisons. The traffic police obligingly stop every other person on a bike and demand to see each and every document under the sun (including our insurance papers, dammit!) failing which they subtly ask for a couple of hundred bucks. Catch hold of these bozos, for a change!

My eyes are almost always red-rimmed by the time I reach office, triggering rumors that I might be a crybaby. Pssst, I bet she's the sort who's been crying since childhood about not going to school, college, and now, the office, heh. No, guys! Not me! Anyways, I have no idea whether such constant exposure to the smoke might affect my eyes; I know for sure it's affecting my nerves. I bite back all the dirty swears that rise to my lips when I get a gust of thick black smoke blown directly into my face. And go home fuming. No wonder I'm not able to get any fairer, heh. I wish to God there was some solution to this; sadly, apart from moving permanently to a village that knows only bullock carts, I dont see any light on the horizon.

8*10 Tasveer Review

This was one movie which I really looked forward to, partly due to the fact that it was a suspense thriller, and partly because it was directed by Nagesh Kukunoor. I was not named Late Kate for nothing. I reached the theater late, and we missed the first 10 minutes of the movie. I could hear my friends cussing under their breath. Aww hell, God, let em please understand the movie! I prayed under my breath.

All my prayers were needless though, cos Akshay seemed to know what we missed, and he obligingly went back to the past and showed us every scene. Yeah! He can concentrate really hard on a pic (yup, 8*10 dimensional pic!) and go back to that exact scene, and replay the events in his head. Ahh well. He spends the entire 2 hours trying to solve his Dad's murder mystery. OK, so we figure the suspense out like in about 10 minutes, but it seems like the characters are hell bent upon making Akshay use his damn gift. Sort of like, when we were kids, and used to do our homework; everyone knew 2 plus 2 equals four, but forced us to use our brains nevertheless.

For starters, guys, Akshay's Dad instead of blurting the killer's name, blubbers about Tasveer and all kindsa shit. Same goes with Momma; when she's conveniently stabbed, she could've just spelled out the name and saved us from the misery. Instead, she leads him on a whole lot of puzzles, asks him to go to the attic, and what not. Yup! This and more is in store for you if you are that gullible and watch this movie.

Man Oh man! Listening to Javed Jaffrey's broken Hyderabadi Hindi was a torture to Hyderabadi ears. His fake accent, fake acting, fake hair style, yup, I guess Ayesha Takia was as fed up with him as we were, and when she couldn't take it anymore she just used the axe on him out of sheer desperation. We're not complaining, Ayesha!

OK, this is not a spoiler, but lemme tell you guys this - If only Akshay had spared just one minute to peek into Ayesha-goody-goody-smile-Takia's past, we would've been spared all this unnecessary torture. The movie would've wrapped up within 10 minutes.

Acting Vs. Politics

What is it about these two fields, anyway? Are they one and the same, with just a thin line in between???

I really dont understand why successful actors, with a good name in the movie industry risk everything they have, and join the murky world of politics. This trend is not prevalent just in India, but in the US too(remember Arnold? Ronald Reagan?)... Ohh, politicians were always great actors, in fact, I wonder how they act so splendidly without ever enrolling in an acting school, heh.

After a spate of actors entering the political arena, the latest to join the bandwagon is our South Indian superstar, Chiranjeevi. I know its wishful thinking, hoping Chiranjeevi is going to make a difference, and that the lives of Andhraites are going to take a turn for the better; like some cine industry scribe put it, he never cared tuppence for the film industry people, and the people he knew; so how on earth can we expect him to do something good for the people of the state?

Political campaigns have a volley of actors at the helm, so much so that, people forget the real meaning of these meets, and flock just to catch a glimpse of their favorite actor/actress. Talented South Indian actress Soundarya lost her life when she was on her way to attend some similar meeting. What a meaningless end.

Even our dear respected politicians have turned towards acting nowadays; what with Laloo Prasad Yadav having an entire film named after him, and on his way to acting in his second, I seriously doubt whether these two industries are planning a merger.

Hmm. Should be quite interesting.